Read time 6 minutes
How many of your friends have seen your vulnerable, broken side?
For me, 10 of my 8 friends. Two are my parents, who cant digest the some parts of me, yet. Pretty good score, I know.
But that wasn't always the case — I had 60 - 70 friends yet only 2 of them knew the real me.
When people asked me "how are you?" I habitually responded: "I'm great." For I avoided revealing my true state.
We all wear these happy personas, masking the complicated parts of ourselves.
But why?
When you were a kid
You were unique and weird. Your purpose was special. But as you grew up, you realized a conscious effort is needed to generalize yourself so you can fit in.
Year after year in adulthood, we perfect the art of hiding our true feelings behind that cheerful mask.
Why do we hide our wounds
We all build these cool-looking personas, like Instagram filters for our feelings. The reasons are probably a mix of things:
Not feeling worthy enough
To avoid spreading negativity
and let's be real, to hide an embarrassing truth
And here's my own reason: After being neglected by friends and family thousands of time, I figured, let’s not burden people with my emotional rollercoaster.
They don’t want that. So, I cooked up this layer of 'happy-go-lucky.' I gave the world a filtered version of me. It's like when you put a poster on the wall where the paint is coming off.
It’s an abstraction layer
The tech bros would call it an abstraction layer — You take something complicated, slap a user-friendly interface on it, and voila!
Think how Shopify hides the complexity of coding an online store behind their DIY interface. Now, it’s a neat package for everyone.
That's an abstraction layer right there—taking a complex process and wrapping it up under a user-friendly packaging to generalize it for ease-of-use.
In the same way, we build social abstraction layers. And we're pros at this.
Here’s how it goes…
Imagine yourself as a product of emotions.
You launched yourself in the world.
Early feedback was, “meh, too much going on.”
So you simplified — swapped out the features that don’t fit.
You built an abstraction layer in hopes of becoming more widely accepted or user-friendly (read: society-friendly.)
Now, society has no problem with you. They are happy to accept you with the abstraction layer.
"How are you?" They ask.
"I'm fine… I'm good… I'm doing great," you respond.
Its easier to belong anywhere with this layer.
But is it serving you well? Think of the misery you end up in when you make friendships, partnerships, or a marriage with this layer that hides your inner turmoil.
Speaking from experience, it gets frustrating real quick.
Here’s a story.
Belonging from a lower middle-class family and going to school with rich kids made me do this.
I told them my father is a rich man but he doesn't give us money. Pretty easy to accept a neglecting father than accepting that I don’t have the PS because my dad cant afford it.
Some gave me sympathy, others bullied me for this. And here I was, getting roasted for the wrong thing. 🙈
And when school friends wanted to visit my home, I made excuses. When my father had to visit the school for parent-teacher meetings, I used to make sure we get late so my friends wont see or know my father.
And many other games I had to play. Just to maintain my abstraction layer. But it’s a hard game to play. It's like intentionally choosing to be an imposter.
But here's the kicker: Is it really us? Aren’t we peddling donuts in cake boxes?
Peeling back the layers
If you’re wondering about your own dynamic, here are some signs of living with a social abstraction layer:
Trying to fit in a social group where you don't belong
Sporting a cheerful smile when you’re suffering inside
Toning down your weirdness to avoid offending others
Using self-deceiving statements to cover up shortcomings
Suppressing your unique qualities to generalize yourself for career
Excelling when alone but struggling to assert yourself in social circles
Hiding genuine opinions and feelings to avoid rejection and judgment
Why must we lie to fit in
Probably because how the fabric of society is designed with contradiction after contradiction.
For example, we all value honesty, but it’s also ill-mannered to speak the truth when we know the other person will be offended.
And I also believe we lie to be accepted because we’ve all signed an unwritten contract to follow the 'don't ask, don't tell' rule. That’s why everyone prefers to meet our happy version and not the other way around.
But isn’t it our inability to love each other?
Reclaiming Authenticity
Imagine a life where you're not pretending. Where friendships and partnerships aren't based on fabricated versions of you.
So, here’s a thought: let's peel back the layers you have built to fit in.
Ready for a change? Here’s how 👇
Embrace Your Shadow: Confront & name your insecurities. Find the hidden aspects you avoid showing others. Ask yourself: ‘why do I hide them?’
Solitude vs. Public Persona: Analyze the differences in your behavior when alone vs. around others. Identify shifts in behavior that indicate masking your true self.
Unveil Relationships: List relationships where you feel the need to pretend. Reflect on the reasons behind this behavior. Is it them or you?
Own Your Weirdness: Embrace your quirks. Think of things that are uniquely yours. Own them, wear them on a t-shirt, tattoo them on your arm.
Expose Yourself: Begin by sharing your genuine self with those who will understand and appreciate it. Gradually expose to others, specially those who might react negatively.
Validation and Clarity: Observe reactions from different individuals — those who accept and those who reject. Use these responses to identify true friends and potential foes.
Take Ownership: Beat Eminem at vulnerability. Remember “Lose Yourself” and how he owns his flaws and fuck-ups that make him who he is.
When you own your truth, no one has the ammunition to attack you.
In his book Get Out of Your Own Way, the late Dave Hollis writes, “in the movie 8 Mile, Eminem admits everything that his rap battler could use against him. By embracing confidently that he did not have it all together, he took all the power from his opponent.”
So, today, I encourage you to take your power back. Admit that you are not perfect. Nor will you ever be.
That’s all folks!
Try the above framework and you’ll find that connecting on a real level feels way better than pretending to be a happy-go-lucky person.
Remember, behind those layers, you're not a product—you're a masterpiece. And no amount of packaging can ever truly define you.
See you next Tuesday (or Thursday). Till then, you have a great time. ✌
The parting gift 🎁
Three tracks to put you in mood.